Fortune Cookies

It seems to me that most fortunes I get from cookies are rather pitiful. So since I have too much free time, here are fortunes I have gotten and my responses to them.

You don't have to be perfect to fulfill your dream.
But it sure would help because your dumb mistakes are really slowing things down.

Be prepared to receive something special with no strings attached.
I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy!

You have executive ability. Apply this in the future.
You're fired! ...Wait, boss, I was just kidding. The fortune cookie said I have executive ability. It was a joke. No, please don't fire me. I can't go back to living with my parents!

With integrity and consistency, your credits are piling up.
No, no, no. You seem to be confused. That large number on your credit card account is debt, not money you have.

A romantic mystery will add interest to your life.
But when the mystery is solved, you'll still be single and alone.

Devotion will make you feel more complete.
I devoted myself to a video game. I completed a lot of quests. But I kinda wish I had those 2000 hours back.

Special touches have been planned with you in mind.
Oh great, is there a bomb under my car? Is there going to be an "accidental" gas leak at my home? Those mobsters need to learn to lighten up.

Through greater effort and hard work a precious dream comes true.
It doesn't need to be my effort and work, does it? I can pay someone to do it for me, right?

Music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together.
Whoa, hold it. What's with the graphic content? This is supposed to be a fortune cookie not an excerpt from a trashy romance novel.

You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
Go protest somewhere else!

You will be involved in many humanitarian projects.
Gotta get those tax write-offs somehow.

You are a deep thinker with a knack for problem solving.
I wonder if I can put ketchup and mustard in the same bottle.

If the world seems cold, kindle a fire to warm it.
Wooo! Come on everyone, the fortune cookie told me to take up arson!

The human body was designed to walk, run or stop; it wasn't built for coasting.
Then I choose to stop. Someone wake me when it's dinner time.

If you tempt a squirrel with a nut, be prepared to be bitten.
Or hey genius, you could toss the nut to the squirrel.

Go for the gold today! You'll be the champion of whatever you do.
Then I shall be the champion of eating ice cream while watching cartoons.

Pay attention to your nonverbal cues, and try turning it down.
In other words: you’re annoying everyone. Stop it.

You are wise to keep your eyes wide open at all times.
Because I’m coming for you.

There are no bad days; some are just better than others.
And the comparison will only help you realize just how worse your day can get.

In the end all things will be known.
But since it’s the end, no one will care.

The surest way to have nothing to give is to give nothing.
I always have something to give: criticism, sarcasm, insults, mockery, scathing laughter…

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.
…as you drag him off the couch to help with the housework.

It is more difficult to judge oneself than to judge others.
Judging myself is easy. I = Awesome. Judgment done.

This year your highest priority will be your family.
Since I’m single, that means my highest priority will be me. Alright!

A great pleasure in life is doing what others say you can't.
"I can too survive a forty-foot drop. Just watch. Weee!..."

Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together as they do in you.
Now if only you had wealth. Oh well, I'll keep searching for that special woman.

You will soon be the center of attention.
"Will you all please stop staring and help me! I'm on fire!"

Time makes one wise. Ask advice from someone older than you.
Your older teenage brother does not qualify. Pick someone whose brain has made it out of puberty.

Modify your thinking to handle new situations.
Eh, C4 handles pretty much any situation.

From a past misfortune, good luck will come to you.
That milk you let go bad for a really long time has now turned into an exotic cheese.

As the wallet grows, so do the needs.
Whoever wrote this was an idiot. Money exceeding needs equals growing wallet.

Listen these next few days to your friends to get answers you seek.
Mullets are no longer in style? Are you sure? Fine, I'll cut it off.

To make dreams real, first you have to have them.
You saying I'm not ambitious? You saying I should aspire to something better? Excuse me for not having reached the esteemed position of fortune cookie writer.

Your place in life is in the driver's seat.
Forget that. I'd rather have a chauffeur.

Your road to glory will be rocky, but fulfilling.
Chauffeur, take me to glory. Oh, and let's stop by Carl's Jr. on the way.

Soon you'll have a chance for a profitable transaction.
Click on the Merchandise button. Buy some shirts. You get a cool shirt, and I get some money. That's a profitable transaction for everyone.

Your ability to love will help a child in need.
Since I love me, I guess it will be my inner child that's getting help.

Now is the best time for you to be spontaneous. Serendipity!
I'm pretty sure most of the people who won Darwin Awards were spontaneous. I'll stick to thinking before I act.

A surprise gift from another will leave a lasting impression.
You're going to be sick with mono for a while.

Your principles mean more to you than any money or success.
That's easy to say when no one's made an offer yet. Show me some dollar figures, and I'm willing to be flexible.

A letter of great importance may reach you any day now.
You're being audited. Congrats!

The strengths in your character will bring you serenity.
Since my strengths are sarcasm and criticism, that explains why pointing out someone's flaws always makes me feel better.

Life is a series of choices. Today yours are good ones.
Are you sure? The straining button on my pants seems to indicate I should have skipped the all-you-can-eat buffet.

Your troubles will cease and fortune will smile on you.
That sounds a lot like death, except the fortune goes to those who collect on your life insurance.

A wise man will soon enlighten you.
That shouldn't be too hard after having my expectations lowered by these fortune cookies.

A good position and a comfortable salary will be yours.
So long as you are willing to take the fall during the indictment for insider trading.

Opportunity knocks on your door every day. Answer it.
Oh, so opportunity can knock on a door every day, but when I do it, it's considered harassment? How else am I supposed to talk to her? She blocks my calls and emails, and she told the post office to shred my letters. I guess opportunity has better lawyers.

The joyful energy of the day will have a positive effect on you.
But that will conflict with my natural sarcasm and cynicism.

You're feeling the need to think longer-term. Plan ahead.
If I wash my clothes now, I should have enough underwear till the end of the month.

Trust others, but still keep your eyes open.
There's a good philosophy for nurturing an ulcer.

Rely on your friends today to help make that difficult decision.
PS3, Xbox360, or Wii?

The smart thing is to prepare for the unexpected.
But the easy thing is to wing it and then blame someone else when problems arise.

An important discussion about you will take place today.
Did my manager catch me sleeping at my desk again?

Unveil your ideas. Be ready to act on them.
And then take the blame when they aren't any good.

You could prosper in the field of entertainment.
"Did you see me in the movie? I was Dead Guy #5."

Good ideas will spring forth naturally from your mind in the coming week.
But another person already patented them.

You will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend.
The judge says you have to do 100 hours of community service.

You deserve to have a good time after a hard day's work.
I'd prefer to have a good time after an easy day's work.

Good things are coming to you in due course of time.
So EVENTUALLY something good will happen? Oh joy.

You will travel to many exotic places in your lifetime.
And get the exotic diseases to go with them.

Something on 4 wheels will soon be a fun investment for you!
Till you drive it off the lot. Then its investment value will drop severely.

Being aware of your fears will improve your life.
How? It seems to me that if you don't know about a fear then you don't have that fear.

This week, you have a good head in matters of money.
But next week you'll blow everything on internet stocks.

Judge one not by his charms, but by his qualities.
I disagree. Anyone willing to share Lucky Charms with me is my friend.

A fond memory will soon lead to a renewed friendship.
Yeah, "Let's just be friends." is a phrase you'll be hearing a lot.

Contentment is just around the corner for you. Look forward!
If it's around the corner, won't I miss it by looking forward? Someone please tell me where to go!

A good movie will inspire you reach for the stars.
With the obvious grammar problem of this one, there's no need to make fun of it.

Don't give up. Your problem gets better next month.
But if I leave that thing growing in the corner of my fridge, it will probably be a lot worse in a month.

No obstacles will stand in the way of your success this month.
That's great, but the thing in my fridge is really starting to scare me.

You will soon receive an usual gift freely given. Accept!
A usual, free gift. Oh joy. What am I getting, a coupon in the mail?

An interesting musical opportunity is in your near future.
Well it wasn't American Idol. Even Paula said I suck.

Good things come in small packages. One is coming to you.
But if it's making a ticking sound, there's probably not a "good thing" inside.

You will inherit an unexpected sum of money within the year.
Inherit, so someone close to me is going to die. Thanks a lot you stupid fortune cookie.

Listen attentively. You will come out ahead in the next few days.
Or if you can't stand your wife's chattering anymore, take her to a movie. She can't talk there.

You will do well to expand your horizons.
I understand, get a high def television.

Linger over dinner discussions this week for needed advice.
Or use dinner discussion as a way to let your mom's casserole go cold so you won't have to eat it.

You will discover the truth in time.
Luke, I am your father. Oh, and you kissed your sister.

Tomorrow will be a productive day. Don't oversleep.
For me, sleeping is a productive day.

The strong person knows how to withstand substantial loss.
But the intelligent person knows how to avoid it.

Share your abundant humor with others at this time. They need it.
There's this hilarious website called Monster Hunting Made Easy.

What are you waiting for? Start moving now.
Quiet down, back seat driver. The light is red.

Now is a lucky time for you - take a chance.
Keep in mind that "lucky" is not necessarily good luck.

You will soon receive pleasant news of a personal nature.
There's a cream for that rash.

You shouldn't overspend at the moment. Frugality is important.
Ok, then I hope she will be content with a cubic zirconium.

You constantly struggle for self improvement.
And someday I'll find a way to cram that seventh Oreo in my mouth.

You desire to discover new frontiers. It's time to travel.
The Enterprise is always looking for expendable crewmen.

Each day begins in darkness; don't overvalue the light.
I prefer "The closer you get to light, the greater your shadow becomes."

Traveling to the south will bring you unexpected happiness.
No wonder I couldn't find my car. I thought I parked in the east lot.

You have a strong desire to maintain peace.
Right, maintain peace by shooting anyone who causes a problem.

Focus on the color purple this week to bring you luck.
But the roulette table only has red, black, and green.

Need some adventure and enjoyment? Take a vacation.
I recommend Fascistland, where you are required to have a good time.

You should do well at making money and holding on to it.
And in a few months you might get moved from fries to the register.

A friend or partner will soon be calling on you for help.
I ain't paying your bail.

Someone is speaking well of you.
It's actually more like laughter, and they're pointing at you.

For success today, look first to yourself.
And then when you realize you have no clue what to do, get someone else to do the work.

The star of happiness is shining on you.
But get too close to that star and you'll burst into flames.

Your smile makes everyone realize that the world is a lovely and beautiful place.
...in comparison to you.

Pain is not a bad thing; it is simply something one attempts to avoid.
What an uplifting phrase. Should any of you be unfortunate enough to be shot, get a limb broken, or have something horribly painful happen to you, just remember, “Pain is not a bad thing.”

An unexpected payment is coming your way!
Does this mean monetary payment, or is someone looking for retribution?

Others are deeply moved by your presence.
I don’t know what the problem is; I wear deodorant.

The person you are thinking of is also thinking of you.
Crud, I better stop spying on her.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.
This phrase totally belongs in Kingdom Hearts.

Tap into your imagination, it provides interesting results.
Ummm…I think it’s best I leave Pandora’s Box closed. The world has enough problems as it is.

It’s time to treat yourself to something special.
I don’t think the people at the Corvette dealership will accept this fortune in place of $40,000.

Be direct, usually one can accomplish more that way.
But being manipulative and scheming is much more fun.

Your ideas are clever and you will be rewarded.
Great, time to market my idea for dehydrated water. Just add water!

Someone you recently met will play an important role in your life.
Dang, I wish I hadn’t been introduced to that IRS agent.

You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
Yep, that's why the cushion on my computer chair is so flat.

Time heals all wounds. Keep your chin up.
Time also brings more wounds and eventually death. Keep your chin up.

Welcome change.
If your life is miserable, sure, welcome change. If your life is great, fear change with every fiber of your being.

The greatest achievement in life is to stand up again after failing.
Then you had better hope your failure doesn't involve a landmine or you can kiss achievement goodbye.

One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears - by listening to them.
This "fortune" is so lame that I can't think of anything sarcastic to say.

One who admires you greatly is hidden before your eyes.
Apparently I'm not being admired for being observant.

Your lucky number for the week is seven.
Of course my lucky number is seven. But I can't seem to get three of them to come up at once on the slot machine.

Seek friendship and you will find it.
I don't know. I stalked this girl for weeks, and all I got was a restraining order.

You enjoy playing to a crowd.
But being booed and pelted with rocks I can do without.

Turn your thoughts within - find yourself.
Because no one likes the person on the outside.

Good Company in a journey makes the way seem shorter.
Until he sprains his ankle and you have to carry him. Then you want to dump him on the side of the road and be on your way.

Advice, when most needed, is least heeded.
You may think that the writer wished for this to sound profound, but really he just liked it because it rhymed.

Wise sayings often fall on barren ground, but a kind word is never thrown away.
So, in other words, don't bother trying to reason with people, just use flattery.

Over self-confidence is equal to being blind.
Then is insecurity is equal to X-ray vision?

Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
But the raptors are in there!

A faithful friend is a strong defense.
"Hey friend, go into the next room and see if the raptors are still there."

Do something unusual tomorrow.
Alright, I'll tell my lawyer to expect my one phone call.

You will find comfort in a new relationship.
Guess I'll give Match.com a shot since eHarmony didn't work out.

The coming month shall bring winds of change in your life.
You'll get telemarketers instead of spam.

A beautiful person is with you, confide your problems.
My problem is that the beautiful person makes me look ugly.

Your flair for the creative takes an important place in your life.
Well, being unemployed, yeah the website gets high priority.

Take no risks with your reputation.
Bah. Infamous is just as good as famous.

A house without books is like a room without windows.
It's ok. I don't need either. I have a TV.

The evening promises romantic interests.
But this fortune was meant for someone else. You'll be spending the evening eating something microwaved in front of the TV.

Be calm and collected, peace is a virtue.
But try not to snore, or your boss might get mad.

No profit grows where there is no pleasure to be had.
Or you can just sell alcohol because hammered people don't know if they're having fun or not.

Be sensitive, but not overly sensitive.
Unless you're a guy. Then it's only ok to cry if you've been lit on fire.

Now is the time to call loved ones at a distance. Share your news.
I'm moving back home.

You will do better in real estate than in stocks.
I'm not sure I want to take investment tips from a fortune cookie. I already lost thousands thanks to the advice from that pop up ad.

Don't worry about the stock market. Invest in family.
Another fortune against stocks? The Chinese government must be secretly using fortune cookies to bring about the destruction of our capitalistic economy!

Your creativity will take you to unexpected places.
"It's in a book. Just take a look. It's Reading Rainbow!"

An interesting sports opportunity is in your near future.
At last, Extreme Curling! Where the stones are coated in nitroglycerin, and the teams get sniper support to interfere with each other's turns.

Don't underestimate yourself. Your social skills are needed by others at this time.
That's right. With me in the room, the other guys will all seem charming.

Prepare today for the demands of tomorrow.
No, this is not a reminder to stock up on liquor.

Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.
Someone needs to give this fortune to Microsoft.

Before the beginning of great brilliance, there must be chaos.
So in order to create a utopia, we're going to need a lot of nukes.

Bide your time, for success is near.
I can hear the music. Where's the ice cream truck?!

Visit a park. Enjoy what nature has to offer.
Such as mosquitoes, poison ivy, picnic ants, and grass allergies.

On Friday your creative side will shine forth with exceptional ideas.
Too bad your boss fired you on Thursday for being unproductive.

You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily.
But in the meantime you'll be accused of having a fear of commitment.

You have an active mind and a keen imagination. Apply your ideas.
Hmm, let's see...maybe I could make a webcomic.

Investigate new possibilities with friends. Now is the time!
"Dude, you think I can down this whole jar of hot sauce?"
"Ten bucks says you can't."

Others take notice of your radiance. Share your happiness.
It's not radiance; it's a really bad sunburn, and I'm not the least bit happy about it.

You have great physical powers and an iron constitution.
Yet a green rock can kill you. Some super man.

You find beauty in ordinary things, do not lose this ability.
It makes shopping for you much less expensive.

You will receive an unexpected gift from an acquaintance.
In the form of a flaming bag on your porch.

Nothing seems impossible to you.
But as the ground approaches, you might want to give up on trying to fly and pull the rip cord.

Life to you is a dashing and bold adventure.
Time to save the world…after lunch and a nap.

Always have old memories and young hopes.
You had to walk uphill both ways to school, and you want to go to the park.

What’s vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
And for the right fee, you can hire a defense attorney to convince the jury of the same thing.

Do not let your instincts run right over your reason.
I could say something, but there'd be a lot of women upset with me.

You are admired for your adventurous ways.
I have logged several thousand hours on RPG's.

Adversity willingly undergone is the greatest virtue.
Virtue? I'm pretty sure throwing rocks at the bee hive is just plain stupidity.

(I felt like adding a second response)
Then that means all those people who told me to go play in traffic were actually trying to instill me with virtue.

An ounce of gold cannot buy an ounce of time.
So sell the gold and party with the time you have left.